humor >> It's My Job to Yell

I lost my temper with my children today. I wish I could say it was the first time, but I can’t even say it was the first time this week, and it’s only Tuesday. Every time I lose it and scream at them, I feel horribly guilty. What am I doing to their self-esteem? What am I teaching them about handling frustration? What kind of mother am I? Are they going to write a best selling book called, “Mommy Damnedest”?

I went outside, sat on my porch and watched the evening activity in the darkening sky. Nature always soothes my frayed nerves. My plan was to think rationally about my short-temper and come up with a better way to handle the inevitable battles with my children.

I watched the birds shooting across the sky on their way to roost for the night. Did they have chicks waiting for them at home? Then I remembered some documentary on PBS about penguins and how they raise their young. They feed them regurgitated food, they protect them from predators, and they keep them warm with body heat. They are extremely caring parents until the chick learns to swim and catch a few fish. Then it’s, “Bye. Have a good life. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

This scenario is repeated throughout the animal kingdom. A lioness will swat at her cub when it tries to nurse. A mother dog will growl at her puppy when it tries to eat her food. An owl will push its chick out of the nest to teach it to fly. It appears cruel to our tender hearts, but it’s all part of the Grand Plan.

What would happen if mothers didn’t cut the apron strings? Would any baby creature, at any level of intelligence, willingly give up free room, free food, and mother’s warmth without some encouragement? It’s the mother’s job to make life so unpleasant at home that the young animal wants to leave and make their own way in the world. Their independent life eventually includes mating and offspring, thereby perpetuating the species.

As evolved as humans are, I don’t think we’re doing this as well as the animals. We keep our children with us for 18 years, longer if they’re college bound. We probably do this to protect ourselves. If we can keep our children at home, they’ll be there to care for us in our old age. It’s a vicious battle of two opposing instincts: Live as long as possible vs. produce multiple generations of heirs to forward your DNA. I think it would be better for the human species if we procreate instead of living a long time. Just look at the state of Social Security. The problem there is that too many people are living too long without producing enough replacement workers.

To get more young people paying into the system, we need to heed nature’s advice to quit nurturing our children as soon as they are capable of caring for themselves. I think it’s our duty as parents to make life uncomfortable at home as soon as our kids are walking, talking, and using a fork. That way by the time they’re teenagers, they’ll be so sick of our nagging and yelling that they’ll be thrilled to leave, get a job, get an apartment, and get a mate. They’ll be perpetuating the species just as the Grand Plan dictates. For doing our jobs properly, we get the bonus of grandchildren.

My conclusion from my porch ponderings is that it’s all right for me to lose my temper with my kids. In fact, it’s not only all right, it’s mandatory behavior for a good parent. I also concluded that instead of coming up with a rational plan, I had merely been rationalizing. Oh well, rationalization is cheaper than therapy and it keeps me off Prozac.

Excuse me. My children are fighting again. I need to go make life at home uncomfortable for them.